


Kintsugi

by SaltiSnacks



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anger, Arguing, Cussing, Divorce, Drinking, F/M, Heartbreak, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Not Beta Read, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Shiro (Voltron), Post-Divorce, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shiro (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Shiro (Voltron) is a Mess, Voltron: Legendary Defender Season/Series 08 Fix-It, Yelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 01:59:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17572151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltiSnacks/pseuds/SaltiSnacks
Summary: Kintsugi:The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.Source: Wikipedia





	Kintsugi

**Author's Note:**

> *I don't own VLD.
> 
> **Certain typos are on purpose. You'll see what I mean.

It had taken less than a year for his marriage to fall apart. In the end, they had been too different. The saying “Opposites attract.” is only true for polarities. For human beings, there had to be some similarities to keep a relationship strong.

They didn’t have that, and the gulf between them had made itself known too late. They had been too blind to see it.

Shiro still wanted the stars and his husband hadn't. The yearning to explore never faded. The feeling only grew stronger with each message and photo from Keith and Hunk.

Each new culture described in as much detail as they could, leaving him furious at himself for his rash decision to retire. He wasn’t even _thirty_ yet!

He hadn’t been thinking at all.

About a lot.

Sam and Colleen had gently tried to warn him, but he hadn't listened. They had married too quickly and ended up paying for it. But, he had needed to let the dust settle. It had all been too much. And it led him into making several mistakes that he now regretted with his entire being. Mistakes he had no idea how to correct now that time had passed.

He had avoided things that should have been discussed due to irrational fears. Instead, he had pushed it away until it suddenly disappeared.

The very same day of his wedding, communication had stopped. The abrupt loss had been startling and painful. No matter how many messages he sent, he only received silence in return.

It ended with one conversation where he had been asked point blank questions he had been too stunned to answer. “Did you know you never should have been with me to begin with? Do you know you yell and holler for him in your sleep? _Beg_ him to let go and save himself? That you whisper, “I love you, too?”

The first time I heard that…I knew this wasn't going to work. I don’t have your heart. Not like he does. I…should have said something sooner, but… I was too stubborn to let go.”

“Can’t we make this work?”

“To be honest… Now that things have settled down more, I’m not… I’m sorry. The truth is, you’re not the person for me either. You belong in the stars, Takashi. I don't. I never wanted space to begin with, but I was the best qualified for the Atlas. I was ordered on board.”

“But…”

“How long have you denied to yourself that it's him you love? That it's him you _need?_ Why did we let it get this far? Neither of us are happy. Maybe at first, but… You and I were passing ships, but we always had different destinations. You know I’m speaking the truth.”

The media only made it worse as they were both drug through the mud when word of the divorce had leaked. Neither had understood the resentment they were facing. He thought the people had been happy with his marriage, but now the barbs were loose.

Until Sam had taken him aside and shown him a room in the Garrison full of stacks and piles of mail sent to the Garrison ranging from heartbreak to open threats against his then fiancé. The people hadn't wanted this, no matter how much Shiro had at the time.

They pointed out something blatantly obvious that Shiro had missed, and now he was kicking himself.

“He loves you!”

“If you don't want this gorgeous man, I'll take him!”

“Heartbreaker!”

“You idiot!”

Hand drawn pictures from children showing them together.

“Why didn't you merry pretty Keef?”

“Why, Captan?”

“He sad you mary somon ellse.”

His wedding photo altered to show a different groom. The picture had struck deep in his core, and he had sat down hard in the chair. Even he could see his own eyes looked dead. He thought he was happy, but here was proof to the contrary. It really had been doomed to fail. He just hadn’t wanted to admit it.

“When did this start, Sam?”

“After the engagement announcement. We traced most of the threats, but none of them turned serious. We had to station guards around the wedding to keep the protesters back.”

“Why did you hide this from me?”

“You didn’t need anything else on your shoulders. Would you have listened anyway?”

“I…I don’t know. With this… Sam, I _missed_ it. Look at him.” He held up a candid shot that must have been taken by a Garrison employee. The look in his eyes was plain to see as he looked at Shiro in the background. The scrawled in black pen, “See at how he looks at you!” stating the obvious.

Another picture showed Keith climbing into a Mamora ship still wearing his white tux. The tears streaming down his face frozen forever in time. He had left without a word or a goodbye, and he hadn’t noticed until it was too late. When he had questioned the others, they had been nervous and stilted in their answers.

His own tears formed as he stroked the face in the modified wedding picture. It could have all been so different if he had just paid attention. _Talked._ Taken a chance. _Anything,_ but what he had done.

Instead he had taken the greatest treasure of his _life_ and smashed in on the ground into pieces. His promise shattered along with it.

“Did…everyone see this but me?”

“We all did.”

“Why didn’t anyone _say_ anything? He called me his _brother._ That memory is one of the worst ones I have from the clone. I thought he… Oh, quiznak, Sam.”

“We _did_ try, Shiro. You wouldn’t listen. It wasn’t our place to tell you his feelings, or tell him yours.”

Luckily, his escape from it all came in Atlas. He was still the only person she would listen to despite attempts to find her a new captain. He was reinstated almost before the ink on the final divorce papers dried.

The house was sold and the money returned to his pension account. The car and furniture given to his now ex-husband. Everything else he owned was donated until all that remained would fit into his quarters.

Finding himself at the memorial before the relaunch, he had laid himself bare. Finally apologizing for how they had parted. Allowed himself to grieve for all he had lost due to his penchant for leaping without thinking things through first.

Bringing a balm to his soul he hadn’t even realized he needed while telling Adam story after story ranging from his battles in the arena through to his divorce. His determination to _fix_ things. He could almost hear the faint, “Takashi, you idiot.” hanging in the air.

He had dried his tears and turned to discover Iverson leaning on the wall. They ended up _very_ drunk that night. The next morning he had received a hard swat between the shoulders and a “Good luck.”

Then a last sunset. The hoverbike had been restored to its former glory and sat off to his right, his goggles dangling from the handlebar. Its ownership hadn't been contested as he had known its significance to Shiro. The tent was already set up. A small fire sparked, warming his back.

This is where he should have been. He had overheard Lance telling Hunk that Keith had come here alone and the stabbing pain of that lost moment still haunted him.

He sat and tried to imagine what Keith had been thinking. The hope that he would show up must have faded quickly as time had passed. In truth, he had planned on joining Keith, but had been waylaid by the top brass at the Garrison. By the time the meeting had adjourned, the moon was already high in the sky.

He raised his flesh hand toward the darkening sky,

“What if…”

Maybe they would have talked. Maybe he would have finally found his courage to ask about that ‘I love you.” Or, maybe during the Clear Day festival where he yet again missed an opportunity.

Maybe in another reality he had. Maybe rings were on their fingers somewhere together in the vast beyond, working as a team.

Then the hostage situation with Zethrid. He had no excuses, no good ones anyway, on why he had frozen solid. Her words confused him. He now knew those words were aimed at _him,_ not Acxa.

The truth was the fear for Keith's life had locked his body tighter than a guitar string. He would have lost Keith in an instant with no hope of him returning. Black hadn’t been present to save him if something went wrong. There wasn’t a _clone_ of Keith. Only hundreds of copies of _him_ that were still unexplained _to this day_.

He had utterly failed, making him hide for days from Keith, furthering the distance growing between them. He had felt it like a crack. A splintering in his soul. All because he couldn’t face his own emotions. He had pushed him away until it had finally shattered with one signature on a now useless document. 

Looking back, he now saw what he should have noticed. Their bond was unmistakable. His dreams while fighting for occupying the clone's body had been about Adam and _Keith._ What they had didn’t need ink and paper that could easily be nullified with one gavel strike.

Keith had never given up on _him,_ but he hadn't returned the same. What a fool he had been.

He wiped at the tears on his face. So many _what ifs,_ now lost to the past. Time that could never be reclaimed. Only the future remained, and he would be _damned_ if he let any more of it pass.

The next day, after parking the hoverbike in Atlas, he found an entire new crew on board with the exception of Veronica, the senior Holts, and the surprise addition of Acxa as a Blade representative for the coalition. Pidge had remained on Earth to continue her work on a project that had piqued his interest. Several designs for vehicles were spread across the large open facility. Some were already in process of being built.

He had offered to bring his ex on board so be could also get away from the slander, belittlement, and verbal abuse in the media, but he had politely declined. Instead, he decided to return to his hometown and make a fresh start. Their parting hug on the platform had been bittersweet.

The countdown had sent a rush through his system. He had missed this more than he had wanted to admit. Atlas vibrated under his hands. Musical tunes sang through his mind before they coalesced into a symphony as she ignited her engines and shot toward the sky, forcing him to brace himself against the g-forces pushing him into his seat. Their shared joy adding to the moment.

Their new mission to observe and invite worlds into the growing coalition. Negotiate trade and the exchange of knowledge, though Earth was primitive compared to most.

***

It took almost three weeks before he finally encountered Keith.

From a distance it looked like he had lost weight. His hair dull and unkempt in a half-hearted braid. His smile was forced and didn’t reach his eyes. His emotions had always shined through them, but he had _never_ noticed until it was too late.

Keith was broken. The evidence was clear. It was his fault. His missteps had led to this.

Their confrontation had sent the locals fleeing. Keith had let loose on him before fleeing into the Blade cargo ship, locking himself inside.

“I won’t let you use me to regain your golden reputation!”

“I’m not a _rebound,_ Shiro!”

“So you know now! _Too bad_! Key word here. Loved. _Past tense_!”

“You say that now?! Screw you, Shiro! Why _now?!”_

“You threw us away like garbage. Like it was worthless because you were _scared?! Fuck you_!”

Sharp weapons were drawn as the other relief workers stepped between him and the vessel. Returning to his quarters he punched the wall, making Atlas send a questioning hum into his head.

He needed to fix this, but he had no idea how. But, he remembered his own advice, long ago delivered.

_Patience yields focus._

***

The next time they met, Keith handed him his ass. Being retired had let him get a little lax in his training while Keith had continued and only improved with his.

Winded and bruised, he could only watch as Keith walked away.

***

The next meeting wasn’t planned. A group of wannabe pirates had surrounded the cargo ship. To show their promise of peace, all external weapons had been removed during its conversion. Now they were sitting ducks, stranded in space.

The mayday had sent his heartbeat skipping and racing at the same time. One second they were galaxies away and the next, Atlas was transforming over the battered ship.

Several crewmembers had yelped in confusion at the sudden shifts, still unfamiliar with her capabilities. Panic crossed the onboard channels from every section. He had quickly allayed their fears.

The pirates had full thrustered away with their tails between their legs.

 _Finally_ he had, in a small way, returned the many times Keith had saved _him._ It still wasn’t enough.

“Mamora 0-3 to Atlas, do you copy?”

“We hear you, Keith.”

His face appeared on the screen. “We're incapacitated and running on auxiliary power for life support.”

“You’re welcome aboard to make repairs. Where were you heading?”

“Allehshaya. She’s a small planet of knee-high lizard-like people. The Galra decimated their food sources mining for shipbuilding materials.”

“We don’t have that planet in our systems, Captain. But, I could have…um…spelled it wrong.”

“We can transfer information to Atlas.”

“She's already downloading your files now.” Dozens of star maps sprang up around the deck along with the major planets and their information.

“Nosey gal. What if we had top-secret information?”

“Then you'd be in trouble, wouldn't you?”

“Permission to come aboard, Captain Shirogane?” The formal speech grated.

“Permission granted. Open the doors.”

“Yes, sir.”

The captains' meeting dissolved before it even began. “Stay out of my way. Once we're back up and running, we’re gone.”

“Keith…”

“Don’t Keith me, Captain.”

“Just…”

“Why do you keep following me? Enough of this. Find another way to unblemished your name.”

“This isn’t about my reputation, damn it! It's about _you!”_

“No! Beg and argue all you want, but my answer is still _no._ Just because you found out how I _felt_ about you in the past doesn't forgive you for what you _did._ I would have done _anything_ for you!”

“Don’t you think I _realize_ that now! I made a _mistake!_ Can't you _see_ that?! I’m only human, Keith. Not whatever it was you built me up to in your mind. This may be an alien clone body with jumbled DNA, but my mind is still _human._ I screw up.

I needed a break from everything and I fucked up while doing it! I pushed you away because I didn't want to add my problems and feelings on top of a _war!”_

“So you picked crewman #4 whose last name I don’t even _remember_ because he looked just a _little_ bit like Adam. Were you trying to atone for his death that _wasn’t_ your fault? You didn’t settle down with him because you wanted Kerberos. You _gave up_ your relationship for _that!_

So you chose Adam 2.0 instead. Giving him what you couldn’t with Adam, am I right? A home. A _marriage._ A promise that must not have mattered much because you’re _divorced!_ Just like you _left_ Adam! Only this time it’s not Kerberos you're chasing. It's _me!”_

He crashed back into his chair, feeling like he'd been slapped, stunned and staring in disbelief. “You… You did _not_ just say that. How…How dare you. This isn’t _you,_ Keith.”

“I grew up and grew bitter. I left my heart at your feet and all you did was _stomp_ on it. You lost your chance before you even knew you had it. It's too late. Leave me alone, Shiro.”

Turning, the door slid open and he was gone.  
He sat there still dumbstruck. “Was he right? Did I really…try to…replace…Adam?”

He transferred command to his lieutenant and stumbled in a daze to his quarters. After telling Atlas that by no means was she to let him _out_ of this room unless she was in extreme danger, he proceeded to get very _very_ drunk.

Two days later, his therapist, Garrison ordered to continue as a stipulation in his reassignment, helped him work through that nightmare during their videoconference. His PTSD, for the moment, put to the side.

She helped him understand that, _yes,_ that was exactly what he had been trying to do. He had given up his chance with Keith for a _shadow._  That truth had stabbed deep.

Sleep was a lost comfort that night.

***

Hunk broke the ice that had settled around them. Wonderful cheerful Hunk had insisted they meet up when he heard Keith was on board. He proceeded to wow the entire crew with his culinary skills.

The conversation flowed, spurred on by Hunk, until they found themselves back in a comfortable flow. In a sense it felt like old times back at the Castle of Lions with a surreal aftertaste. Only for Keith to stop mid-laugh, jerk up from the cafeteria chair, and storm from the room with his food only half finished.

“Ouch. Is it really that bad? I heard from Lance who heard from Veronica, but…”

“I don't know what to do, Hunk. I messed up.”

Hunk sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, his countenance turning serious. “Yea, you did.”

“Why… Why didn't you all _tell_ me? Try to stop me? _Something?”_

“We thought you were happy, Shiro. That was between Keith and you. It wouldn’t have been right to destroy that happiness if that was what you had really wanted.”

“It…was…at the time. But, now… We were too different. And I know now that I saw too much Adam in him. I latched on like a newborn baby bird. In a sense…that's what I was. I was still getting used to being corporeal again when everything… I needed time to sort myself out.

Once I finally started doing that, we were both already starting to realize the marriage wouldn't work. Especially since everything kept cycling back to Keith.”

“Maybe…write a letter? Like a handwritten one on real paper?”

“He'd throw it away.”

“You never know until you try.”

“I’ll think about it.”

***

The Japanese concept of kintsugi is beautiful. Taking something broken and reforming and repairing it with silver or gold lacquer and a careful hand.

His grandfather had once kept a stunning piece of china from his wedding to his grandmother. The lines had always drawn his attention. They added to its uniqueness. The cracks remain, but were shining examples that things don’t always remain irreparably damaged.

Through therapy his own soul was being repaired. His scars were his lacquered cracks. His arm the one piece that hadn't been completely fixed, but in its own way unique. As far as he knew, he had the only floating prosthetic in the universe.

He still had nightmares and often woke up yelling and sweating profusely. The word “champion" still caused him to seize up, but he was working on that so it couldn't be used against him as a weapon.

He glanced up from that thought as his holopad beeped. 

Hunk's advice of the letter had worked. He hadn't expected it to, so Keith showing up in the captain's office had been a shock.

Cautiously they had finally talked. Really talked with no arguing or accusations. From before Kerberos to recent events. When he learned about his almost suicide run, he had broken down and _begged_ Keith never to do something like that again.

Their friendship slowly being realigned and set into place. It wouldn’t be the same as before, but it would be remade into something slightly different. Something _special,_ or so he hoped. It was just going to take time.

_Patience yields focus._

Rushing would only cause more mistakes and might lead to further damage that couldn’t be repaired. Baby steps that started with traded messages after their cargo ship was finally repaired. Then video messages and video calls.

Four months later they met on a conjoined mission. The hug had settled like an old glove. He had barely held in the sigh of relief.

Baby steps. One at a time forward into the future.

Unaware of a secretly taken picture that caused a riot back on Earth, and made his ex-husband whoop loudly and laugh.

***

“It's time, my dear. You can go home now without further skewing the timeline.”

“Really?”

“It is finally resetting to its proper course. It’s not as it should have been, but it is as it will be. That last spiteful flash from the remaining bit of Haggar did quite a bit of damage, but the threads of fate are stronger. As the Earth saying goes, “Love conquers all.”

“Thank goodness. I’ve missed them all so much. Especially Lance. He's still mourning for me. He didn't deserve any of this.”

“I know this has been tough on you watching and not being able to do anything about it, but it was necessary.”

“I know.”

“Go. Live your life. Be happy.”

“I will. Thank you, Bob.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are food for the soul. ^_^


End file.
